Here, Use Cream

[bnewman]

I couldn't find a way to make the chorus of "307 Ale" work here, particularly in that the brand name of the product is the final pun drop and would curdle if repeated too many times.

lyrics by Benjamin Newman

ttto: "307 Ale" by Tom Smith (verse)

listen to this song

 

An Earth Alliance starship captain stormed onto the bridge

"I want my morning coffee, but there's no milk in the fridge!"

Up spoke the plucky ensign, in her eye a sparkling gleam:

"You say you can't find milk in space?  No one can — here, use cream!"

 

There's many kinds of cream, sir, but the one I recommend

Is stored in quantum stasis where the laws of physics bend

For safety we must teleport it right into your cup

The captain gave a nod and then the order: "Cream me up!"

 

Now, while you sip your coffee, sir, I'll tell to you the tale

Of how this wondrous substance wound up in a milking pail

A brief pastoral interlude, with an interplanar twist

That proves this stuff belongs on every spacer's bucket list

 

It started out one summer's day down at the county fair

When Earth's magnetic field got twisted by a solar flare

In back of one cow's milking stall a portal opened wide

And when they milked her, what came out came from the udder side

 

There's many kinds of cream but this one knocks the others flat

153 and one half percent butterfat

From far beyond the milky way, to drip in your decaf

You'll find it in a carton labeled half-and-half — and half!