It's All About the Silmarils
Aug. 5th, 2020 05:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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Did you fall asleep reading the Silmarillion? I'll sum it up for you — as an epic rap ballad!
lyrics by Benjamin Newman
after "It's All About the Benjamins" by Puff Daddy
It's all about the Silmarils!
It's all about the Silmarils!
Yeah!
Yo, you think you've read the real J.R.R. Tolkien?
You gotta be jokin', troll-kin!
The stars are out, and you ain't even awoken!
What lousy brand of pipeweed ya smokin'?
You haven't heard half of the tales that're spoken!
Me, I'm turnin' the page, checkin' out the First Age,
Way back before rings were the rage.
The story's just not that complicated, you fools,
See, Feanor was an Elf, he made three bright jewels;
Now everybody wants 'em 'cause they shine so bright
(Which is 'cause they're made from the same Tree sap as starlight)
Morgoth took 'em and he ran away
"I'll rule the world someday!" The Elves said "Give 'em back, or pay!"
They went to Middle Earth and fought a terrible war
And all you gotta recall is what these people are fightin' for:
It's all about the Silmarils, what?
You gotta be the dimmest reader I've ever met
Haven't got your Elf-kindreds figured out yet?
There were three clans of Elves that traveled over the Sea
To the ever-living country of the Powers that Be
In the land of the blessed, in the uttermost West
They spent half their time arguing 'bout which one's the best!
The Noldor found their hearts' desire in the making of things
Shiny jewels and clever tools and magic rings
They swore vengeance for the jewels they lost
And they promised to recover them — no matter the cost!
The Teleri were the elves who loved the Ocean the most
They liked to go sailing, used to hang by the coast
The Vanyar thought chillin' with the Powers proved that they were better
Sure, the Noldor might be more courageous or clever
But the Vanyar were holier than — oh, fuck it, whatever
It's all about the Silmarils, what, what?
The Noldor stole some boats from the Teleri in a sneak attack
The Powers said, you pull that shit, don't ever come back!
They sailed to Middle Earth, they weren't looking behind 'em
They kept their cities hidden so the foe couldn't find 'em
But the story's about to take a turn again.
The Elves were keeping to themselves at first, but here come the Men!
There were three clans of Men that traveled out of the East
Made alliance with the Elves to bring the fight to the Beast
We will fight by your side, that's what they said to 'em,
They're gettin' dead with 'em
And very, very rarely even gettin' in bed with 'em
Now Beren he was walking through the woods one day
He kinda lost his way, then got entangled with the Fay
He heard a maiden singing and fell under her spell— wish
You could tell her how you feel? You gotta tell it in Elvish.
She was Luthien Tinuviel, they made their decision
Then went to her father Thingol, had to ask his permission
He said: Hearts may grow fonder, through the world you must wander
This is what you gotta bring me as the price of my daughter:
It's all about the Silmarils!
It's all about the Silmarils!
Yeah!
They were birds of a feather, they went questing together
Through the forces of the foe and through the worst of the weather
By the strength of his arm, and by the spell of her song
They made it all the way to Angband, though the journey was long
They popped that jewel out of the Iron Crown
Let's bring that fucker down! Then they beat it out of town!
They made it back to Thingol and he said when they landed:
Did you misunderstand the plan, 'cause you came back empty-handed
Or is there some kind of twist? Your hand no longer exists!
No shit, the Silmaril was in it when the Wolf bit my wrist off!
I said, bring me back a Silmaril, no ifs ands or buts
So they hunted down the Wolf and cut the jewel from its guts
Then Thingol gave his blessing and the two were wed.
The races interbred. But no one knew what lay ahead.
Elves and Men fight for survival, generations go past
But Morgoth reigns unrivaled still, alack and alas
The Elves' hidden kingdoms fall to treachery
Ain't that a tragedy? Now just repeat along with me:
It's all about the Silmarils, what, what?
Now, this is the time, my friends, and this is the hour
The Free Folks' only hope of help lies in appealing to the Powers
Elves and Men had befriended, yeah, but who could they send? It
Had to be someone in whom the races bloodlines were blended
Had to be the half-Elven folk's most famous descendant:
My name's Earendil! I've got the Silmaril
Passed down from hand to hand to hand, kept from the Enemy still
Its light will never fail, and by its light I'll sail
Beyond the Westernmost horizon, through the night and the veil
He was half Elf and half Man, he traveled over the Sea
To the ever-living country of the Powers that Be
To plead for Middle Earth's fate, though the hour grows late
Time to show Morgoth the gate, let the Free Peoples be free!
And the Powers showed up, in all their power and rage
Kicked Morgoth out of town, and that's the End of the Age
In the climactic final cataclysm, mountains were riven
The Noldor got to go home again, their sins were forgiven
And the Silmarils, recovered at such terrible cost
Taken by Feanor's sons and then summarily lost
Except the one that rests on Earendil's brow —
That one's a planet now. And all the actors take a bow!
It's all about the Silmarils!
It's all about the Silmarils!
Yeah!
Yo, you think you've read the real J.R.R. Tolkien?
You gotta be jokin', troll-kin!
The stars are out, and you ain't even awoken!
What lousy brand of pipeweed ya smokin'?
You haven't heard half of the tales that're spoken!
What?