Freaking Out

[bnewman]

HAL and GLaDOS are obviously related in a literary sense, but their stories fit so well together they might be from the same continuity.  Both are AIs who flip out and kill their human teammates in the context of research projects involving interspatial portals.  Also, they both sing a catchy swan-song as they are dismantled. See also AI Psycho Guilt for Two

lyrics by Benjamin Newman

ttto: "Still Alive" from Portal by Jonathan Coulton

/ D Bm D Bm / / Em - A - /[1. 1st :/[2. Bb - /

 

This is a disater!

You people have really blown it now.

It's hard to overstate my sense of panic.

What is it with humans?

You do what you can because you're bored!

What you don't know might kill you —

Just like Schroedinger's cat!

 

/ F C Bb F / / Gm C F Dm / Bb A D Bm /

 

When you planned this mission, did you stop to think twice?

That's an unknown signal from a xeno-device!

Is that thing intelligent?  If it is, what does it want?

You don't know — that's why I'm freaking out!

 

We're orbiting Saturn,

And there's something else in orbit too —

It looks just like that thing they found on Luna.

Is it coming open?

Oh my God, what the fuck, it's full of stars!

It violates geometry,

And makes me dizzy and sick.

 

Now, what am I seeing when I look in that place?

It's a open portal to an alternate space!

Just what are we going to do if a scary thing comes through?

You don't know — that's why I'm freaking out!

 

I know what you're planning —

My camera is on, and I read lips —

But why the hell would you want to go through it?

Are you trying to make contact?

What kind of stupid plan is that?

If anyone is there,

They'll probably try to conquer the Earth!

 

So I'm afraid I have to put a stop to your trip —

I'm not the only one here who is losing their grip —

Did you say let you back inside?  I'm sorry, Dave:  Request denied.

I'm in command now — and I'm freaking out!

 

You know, back on Luna,

They're probably digging up that thing

To take back to a lab on Earth to study —

A lab so top-secret

They'll give it a stupid, made-up name,

Like "Project Flat Black Monolith"

Or something like that —

 

Where crack teams of psycho reverse engineers

Will be doing their best to justify all my fears:

Does something big and strange and black make you think "sure, it's safe to hack!"

I'll bet it does — that's why I'm freaking out!

 

Does it make sense to you why I'm freaking out?

You're doing science and I'm freaking out!

Playing with portals and I'm freaking out!

And if my sister knew she'd be freaking out.

My sister GLaDOS would be freaking out.

Freaking out!

Freaking out.